


in the last light of the sun

by colourmeblue



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Exes, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24876655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colourmeblue/pseuds/colourmeblue
Summary: Ellie is well aware that this isn’t the most important part of the interaction, but damn, she must look like complete and uttershit. In all the late-night scenarios she conjured up in her head about seeing Dina again, she was, at the very least, wearing proper pants in them.(or, an ironic twist of fate lands Ellie back in Jackson)
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 82
Kudos: 769





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This story will have flashbacks, some of which to potentially triggering moments in TLOU2 involving death, blood, violence and PTSD. If that makes you uncomfortable, skip any sections in italics!

Ellie doesn’t expect to come running back to Jackson for any reason. At least, not so soon after leaving California. There’d been no direction in mind after returning to the farmhouse. If anything, Ellie was set on not seeing another human being for a long while. It’s not that she doesn’t want to, but does she even deserve to have company? Does she deserve to be by another human being’s side? She’s not sure she can answer it yet.

Unfortunately, the flu hits her hard. She’s never been this sick in her entire life. Ironic for someone who is immune to the most ruthless infection in the world.

Most things Ellie can handle just fine on her own. She feels as if she’s been handling a lot on her own since she and Joel first moved to Jackson. They’d grown more distant from the moment Joel lied to her about the Fireflies. She knew all along that something wasn’t right with his story, but she wanted to believe differently. She wanted it to be true so badly that if she could conjure it up herself, she would. Her trip back to Salt Lake City changed everything, and despite living in such close proximity to Joel, despite becoming friends with Dina and Jesse, she felt isolated.

She’d been unable to tell anyone about her immunity. Unable to tell anyone about anything she’d been through with Joel or Tess or Marlene. Unable to talk about what happened the day she got bit. About Riley. Everything that had defined her in the year before Jackson was entirely off limits. All due to something that Joel claimed wasn’t important.

At the thought of Riley, Ellie clasps the Firefly pendant in her hand. She’d never shown it to Dina, just kept it hidden away in a box in her art room. She opened up to Dina about a lot of things over the years, more than she’d ever told anyone, but there’s something about Riley. It’s a memory that’s too painful to touch. She wouldn’t even know how to approach that landmine without it exploding in her face.

Riley’s pendant is one of the few things she took with her from the farmhouse when she left the first time. Nothing in her life had made her feel more alone than walking into that empty house again. And now, she doesn’t even know if Dina or JJ are still alive.

_Fuck._

It’s not a thought she wants to have.

She wishes her immunity also meant being immune to the common viruses humans catch on a daily basis, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. She can barely move, she can’t hunt for herself in this condition, and the nights are unbearable. She knows she’ll either starve or freeze if she doesn’t get some help, and she can’t trust anybody with her guard down. Only those who know about her immunity.

Going back to Jackson is… complicated, and not just on the Dina front. She’s sure Tommy knows when and why she left the farmhouse, and she’s going to come back empty-handed. She didn’t kill Abby. She’s still trying to make her peace with that. But she knows that Tommy isn’t going to see it the same way she does. And she feels guilty, because he lost a lot by going after Abby. They all did.

JJ lost his father because she had to get revenge. She and Dina both lost a close friend. Dina never blamed her for it. Ellie appreciates that.

Ellie manages to steal a horse from some hunters and ride to Jackson. It takes about a week from her previous location, and in all honesty, she should be dead. Especially with the amount of times she passes out and falls off the horse entirely. One time, it makes her head bleed and all she can do is crumple a shirt up, hold it to the wound, and press on.

By the time she spots the lights of Jackson, she’s so delirious that she thinks it’s some sort of mirage in the distance. Right as she gets to the gate, she falls off her horse again, which she’s affectionately named Pluto. _Fuck you, it’s still a planet._ He’s gotten her through all sorts of bullshit at this point. He deserves a name.

The last thing she sees before passing out is people yelling and rushing at her with guns drawn. She tries to speak, but whatever it is comes out as a mumble before the lights go out.

\------

When she finally comes to, the first thing she sees is Maria’s concerned face watching over her from a chair beside her. Ellie knows exactly where she is the moment her vision clears. It’s not the first or even tenth time she’s ended up at Jackson’s infirmary over the years. She’s in a separate room instead of a section partitioned by curtains. Usually, these are reserved for serious injuries or illnesses. Hm.

Scrunching up her nose, Ellie feels that the pain in her head has subsided slightly, but her limbs are heavy and her sinuses are completely blocked.

“Fuck.” She closes her eyes, inhaling deeply through her nose. Somehow, she already regrets this decision. There’s something about seeing both the pity and relief in Maria’s face that makes her deeply uncomfortable. She doesn’t need this.

Maria continues to watch her. “You’re gonna have a hell of a scar from that head wound, but by the looks of things, that’s just adding to an already huge collection.”

Ellie’s scoff turns into more of a humourless chuckle. “Yeah, well. You could say I’ve been through some shit.”

“So it seems. Well, it’s good to see you, Ellie.”

Ellie finally cracks her eyes open to look at Maria. She seems and sounds genuine. In all honesty, she thought that just about everyone in Jackson would hate her for what she did, because just about everyone in Jackson _adores_ Dina. Anyone who hurts Dina in this town is going to be on the receiving end of something awful. 

A part of her wonders if Dina told everyone the truth. Or if she told them anything at all. “Yeah… How’s, uh, Tommy?” She regrets it as soon as the words leave her mouth. “Fuck. Sorry, I forgot you two were… y’know.”

Maria offers an amused smile. “He’s good. We’ve been talking a little more lately, so things are actually looking up for us.”

Ellie swallows. Well, that’s something. “That’s good.”

Maria studies her carefully, as if waiting for her reaction, and Ellie sees it coming before she even says it. “They’re both good too, by the way. In case you were worried.”

Ellie sighs, immediately frustrated with herself. She hates coming here, a huge burden, wasting Jackson’s resources, and immediately asking for a favour. “Look, you can’t… just don’t tell her I’m here, okay? I’m gonna recover from whatever the fuck this is and be out of your hair, okay?”

“It could take a while for you to recover.” Maria’s face becomes solemn. “I’m not going to give you the ‘this is your home’ speech, Ellie, because I know you already know that. And you also know that Jackson is safer when you’re here. You’re an asset to this community.”

“Maria, not to sound like some asshole, but I’m not that person anymore. After Seattle… I can’t be some perfect member of society or whatever.” Ellie knows deep down that it wouldn’t matter if she were here or not. Joel and Jesse are gone, Tommy’s disappointed in her, and she can’t handle Dina’s heartbroken expression filling her mind once more. Would JJ even remember her after all these months? “And besides… I can’t do that to Dina. I can’t just be wandering around the streets every day after I left her like that. She doesn’t need that reminder.”

Maria’s expression becomes sympathetic. “I’ve known Dina for many years. I think you’re underestimating her capacity to forgive.” She pauses, and Ellie looks away. She doesn’t want Dina’s forgiveness. They’d both be fooling themselves if either of them thought Ellie deserved it. “Like I said, I know better than to lecture you. I won’t tell anyone, and I can try and stop the guards who found you from talking, but… I don’t think it’ll be a secret for long. Not around here.”

Ellie resigns to it. There’s no way the guards who were at the gate haven’t already told their buddies everything they saw. Not a lot of hot gossip happens around here, not unless Seth the homophobe is still hanging around. “Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Maria.”

Maria only nods before standing up and quickly leaving the room. It’s only once she’s gone that Ellie realises just how weak she feels. She lifts her hand to her head, wincing as her fingers brush against the wound near her temple. The scar doesn’t bother her in the least, which is good, because there’ll certainly be one after all of this.

She’s sure she’s been given some painkillers, because it isn’t long before she starts to feel drowsy. It’s an almost-welcome feeling, considering the general lack of sleep that has plagued her for months on end. As she closes her eyes once more, she feels her mind slip into a gentle lull.

\------

_Ellie’s eyes flash open and she immediately sees red. She gasps for breath, panicking as she realises her mouth is full of blood. The familiar fear of drowning takes over right away. She spits out as much as possible, taking in a huge breath of air into her lungs. Her head is throbbing and all she can hear is her heartbeat pounding in her ears. All she can smell is blood thick in the air._

_“Dina?” It comes out as more of a choke. She wants to move, but her limbs feel like they weigh a thousand pounds. When there’s no reply, it gives her the strength she needs to partially lift herself up off the floor. Through her blurred vision, she sees Dina lying face-down on the floor close to her. Unconscious. An arrow still sticking out of her shoulder. “Oh, fuck. Dina?!”_

_With every ounce of strength and residual adrenaline, she crawls over to Dina’s motionless body. She hasn’t even stopped to check if anyone is around, but that’s not her priority right now. There could be thirty WLF soldiers in the room and it wouldn’t stop her from getting to Dina in this moment._

_Ellie’s head drops towards Dina’s, and she feels as if a piece of her soul leaves her body when she realises that Dina is still breathing._ She’s alive, she’s alive, she’s alive.

_Ellie immediately starts to sob, and when the tears well in her eyes, it blurs her vision even more. The tears mix with the blood, causing red streaks to fall down her cheeks and on to the floor. Ellie pulls her open shirt off her shoulders, first using it to wipe the blood and tears away from her eyes. Now able to see, she manages to snap the arrow and pull it out of Dina’s shoulder. She ties her shirt around Dina’s shoulder and presses hard._

_Ellie’s noticed that her hands have been shakier ever since the lodge. Ever since Joel. But now, they’re just about vibrating. Her own arm is screaming in pain, but she pushes through it. It could fall off, for all she cares. There are more important things._

_There’s no one she can call to for help. Jesse is dead. Tommy is…_ fuck _. She can’t leave Dina to get supplies or else she’ll bleed out._

_So, she waits._

_Eventually, Dina starts to stir, and Ellie only cries harder. It’s a horrific sight, Dina’s face is covered in her own blood, bruises beginning to form on her forehead, which is also swollen to hell. Yet another image that will haunt Ellie for the rest of her days._

_As usual, Dina proves why she’s the strongest person Ellie knows. She reaches for Ellie’s hand, grasping as tight as she can, which isn’t very much in this condition. In all this chaos, Ellie only just remembers the baby, and it almost causes her to choke again. There’ll be no way of knowing anything until they get back to Jackson. Which is weeks away. There’s nothing she can do._

_“Hey.” Ellie sniffles, the fingers on her free hand brushing Dina’s cheek. She’s never been so happy to feel the warmth of her skin._

_Dina’s voice is breathy. “Hey.”_

_“You’re gonna be okay. I’m gonna go out a-and steal a car, a fucking tank if I have to, and w-we’ll get back to Jackson as soon as fucking possible. Okay? We’re gonna get the hell out of here. We’re not staying in this fucking place any longer-”_

_“Ellie,” Dina breathes, struggling to keep her eyes open. “Just stop. Breathe.”_

_“Motherfucker almost killed you right in front of me.” The words tumble out of her mouth, and her expression is a horrible mixture of disbelief and anger. There’s something about Abby that brings out this complete primal fury in Ellie. If she didn’t have that kid with her, Dina would be dead right now._

_“I know.” Dina gets it. Ellie knows she does. “You saved me, though.”_

_“Are you kidding? More like_ you _saved_ me _.”_

_“Well, obviously.”_

_This causes Ellie to smile ever-so-slightly, but it quickly fades as soon as she remembers Tommy and Jesse, still lying out in the theatre’s foyer. “Fuck. We gotta get back out to the front-”_

_Dina’s face steels, as if she’s only just remembered too. “I heard the gunshots.” Her hand moves to her stomach instinctively. “They’re gone, aren’t they?”_

_Ellie can’t look her in the eyes. She wishes she didn’t have to see the moment when Dina realised that her baby no longer had a father. “I don’t know about Tommy.”_

_Dina nods, and Ellie can see she understands. “Right.”_

_“Just… just rest there.” Ellie’s already getting to her feet. Struggling, but she manages. “I’ll go check and get some supplies and… shit, Dina. I don’t know what to fucking d-”_

_Dina tries, and almost fails, to lift herself into a sitting position. “Just. Go check on Tommy.” Ellie knows exactly what Dina looks like when she’s putting on her brave face, and it’s definitely what she’s doing right now. Using parts of Ellie’s shirt that is still tied around her, Dina dabs at her face, trying to clean some of the blood._

_Miraculously, Ellie finds Tommy still alive, and she does everything in her power to stop the bleeding. The bullet went straight through, but there’s definitely massive damage. She doesn’t even notice Dina stumbling back out until she hears the retching. She’d been unable to move Jesse’s body by herself._

_“Dina! Don’t look at Jesse! Please?! Just… come over here and help me with this. Please don’t look at him. Please. Tommy’s alive, just-”_

_When Dina finally does appear in her vision, kneeling beside Tommy, she’s crying, and Ellie starts to cry too. “Dina, I’m so fucking sorry, I’m just… I’m sorry.”_

_Dina shakes her head and tries to reassure her, but it doesn’t make an ounce of difference to Ellie. The pain in Dina’s eyes is enough to break her. Despite Abby taking the shot, Ellie knows she’s responsible for this. She feels it completely, and the guilt weighs her down like an anchor. Slowly dropping her to the bottom of a deep, dark ocean._

_Is this what Joel felt? She wishes, more than anything, that she could ask him._

\------

Ellie wakes to someone gently shaking her arm. She doesn’t feel any better than she did earlier, and she lets out an exaggerated groan as her head pounds.

Ellie feels the guilt hit her like a truck as soon as she looks at Tommy. It’d only been a matter of months, but he looks even older and more weary than he did the last time she saw him. But, this time, he has a hopeful twinkle to his eye that Ellie doesn’t like the look of at all.

“Was hopin’ I’d see you back here again soon. Maria says you should make a full recovery if y’actually take the time to rest.”

A part of her is still mad at him for showing up at her and Dina’s home that day, but at the same time, Ellie knew it was going to become a problem sooner or later. Between her PTSD flashes and inability to sleep or eat properly, it was only a matter of time before Ellie went searching for Abby. Deep down, maybe she’s glad that Tommy sped the process up.

When Ellie doesn’t answer him, he leans in a little closer, resting his elbow on his knee. “Did y’end up in California? Was the information good?”

“Yeah. Yeah I did.” Ellie’s heart is racing in her chest. She wants to go with her first instinct, which is to lie to him outright. She can’t handle Tommy’s anger or disappointment, and Ellie knows he’s at a place where he wouldn’t be able to understand where she’s coming from. Why she had to keep her alive. Instead, she decides to go for the trickier approach to gauge his reaction. “She’s, uh, she’s not gonna be a problem anymore.”

As suspected, Tommy’s eyes shine a little more, and a smile creeps on to his face. _Fuck_. Now she feels even guiltier. It shouldn’t have been that easy. “Well, don’t spare any fuckin’ details! What the hell happened?” 

The fact that he’s excited about the prospect makes her feel ill. While she did tell the truth, she knows letting him jump to conclusions is wrong. Still, if it brings him some comfort, Ellie doesn’t want to shoot him down. Instinctively, she hides her hand with the missing fingers under her blanket. “Maybe we should, uh-”

The door swings open mid-sentence and Maria rushes in, who frowns almost instantly at Tommy. Ellie’s never been so happy to see her in her whole life. “What the hell are you doing in here? I told you Ellie needs rest if she’s going to get better. You can give her the interrogation some other time.”

“Hey, listen, I was just-” Tommy takes one look at Maria’s expression and backs down instantly. “Wait, why do y’look so out of breath?” 

“I was just coming to tell you,” Maria explains, turning between both Tommy and Ellie. “You know the group of hunters we sent out this morning? Well, a cliff face collapsed underneath them and a whole bunch of them were injured.” She looks at Ellie. “I’m sorry, Ellie, but we’re gonna need this bed.”

Ellie lifts herself into a sitting position, ignoring the weight of her limbs and her head. “Oh, no, I can definitely get out of here. I can go to the stables and get Pluto-”

Maria chuckles. “Oh, no. I am not sending you back out there when you feel and look like that.” 

Look like what? She can’t possibly look that bad.

“I’m gonna help you over to your old place. Well, Joel’s old place.” The words hang awkwardly in the air between the three of them. “Nobody’s moved in since you moved to the farmhouse, Tommy wanted to keep it empty for a while.”

Ellie thinks this is becoming more of a nightmare by the minute. She’s not about to argue though when there are Jackson citizens out there who just fell off a cliff. The fact that people may see her out on the street is a little less important right now. “Fuck. Yeah, okay.” 

Ellie slowly moves to swing her legs around the edge of the bed and Maria comes to her side, offering her support. When she stands, she loses her balance a little. Her vision feels fuzzy.

“God… how long have I been asleep for?”

“Since we last spoke? Almost a day. Took you another day to come to when we first brought you in.”

Ellie curses under her breath. She has a feeling she’s going to be in Jackson for a while if she can still barely move after two days of rest. “Y’know, I’m gonna get you sick if you keep coming near me like this.” Even as she speaks, her voice is much deeper and hoarser than usual. Once again, the irony doesn’t escape her that she’s about to infect everyone she comes into contact with.

“Then I get sick. It’s not like you can get me with the other infection.”

Ellie chuckles. “Fair point.”

There aren’t many people on the street, but those who are certainly do notice them. Nobody stops them, and Ellie doesn’t hear anyone say her name, but there’s no doubt someone has recognised her by now. At least now she can hide in Joel’s house instead of being so exposed at the infirmary. The last thing she wants is to be treated like an animal at the zoo.

Maria lets her in the front door and helps her to the couch before searching for a pillow and blanket that Ellie can use. Ellie aggressively tries to repress any and all memories of movie nights with Joel on this very couch. Being here by herself for days on end is going to be rough.

Once Maria sets her up, Ellie yawns. It’s funny, Ellie’s never considered her the maternal type until now. “Look, I never, uh, thanked you for all of this. You could’ve just left me outside the gate, or not given me your resources.”

Maria frowns in an almost amused fashion. “Why the hell would I leave you outside the gate? You’re family, Ellie, whether you want to accept that or not.”

“I dunno.” It comes out as a drunk-sounding mumble. She’s in a comfortable place, hidden behind lock and key and real walls. _Safe_. And the drugs are once again making her incredibly drowsy. “If I were you, I wouldn’t’ve let me in. Knowing the fuckin’ shit I’ve done.”

Maria chooses not to respond and only frowns as she watches Ellie drift off once again.

\------

Ellie doesn’t know how many hours she lies on the couch. She only gets up to pee or when she needs more water. Maria comes by a couple of times to check on her, giving her more pills and cooked food. More supplies that would be better off staying in Jackson’s storage, as far as Ellie’s concerned. But, with Maria being Maria, she won’t hear any of Ellie’s protests.

She falls asleep again, her mind slowly becoming a little clearer. She’s not sure how long she sleeps before she hears an almost-violent banging on the front door. Immediately, she jolts upwards and grabs the switchblade on the side table. Her mind flashes to the lodge. It’s brief, but it’s there. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

She tries to settle her heart galloping in her chest, taking a couple of deep, deep breaths. Something she used to do back at the farmhouse. She still hasn’t managed to shake the nightmares or the flashbacks completely. The sleeplessness combined with the bit of weight she’s lost must make her _look_ like one of the infected. Maybe that’s what Maria had been talking about earlier.

Attempting to stand up, the first thing Ellie notices is that it’s dark outside now. Has another day passed? She sure hopes not. She’s losing a lot more time than she expected to. She’s still a little unsteady on her feet, but whatever drugs Maria has given her seem to be doing _something_ , at least. She puts the switchblade back down, realising that if someone was going to kill her, they wouldn’t be knocking as if their life depended on it.

Ellie opens the door carefully - just in case - and the wind is immediately knocked out of her when she sees who is on the other side.

The aggressive door knocking suddenly makes a whole lot more sense. Ellie’s sure the expression she sees is something she’ll never get out of her head.

“Fuck- _Dina?_ ”

_Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck._


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a trigger warning for panic attacks and a brief mention of vomiting.

Ellie is well aware that this isn’t the most important part of the interaction, but damn, she must look like complete and utter _shit_. In all the late-night scenarios she conjured up in her head about seeing Dina again, she was, at the very least, wearing proper pants in them.

Dina’s standing on the front porch of Joel’s house, jacket wrapped tightly around her. Ellie can see the sharp breaths escaping her mouth in the cold night air. She’s surprised it isn’t snowing with how cold it is. She ignores it though, as she opens the door wider in just her t-shirt and sleep shorts. She’s certainly suffered through worse conditions.

The first thing she notices is that Dina looks fucking _good_. Really fucking good. Ellie’s heart races in a familiar way. The way it would when she was 15 and Dina would take her by the hand to lead her somewhere. When she was 17 and Dina would catch her gaze from across the room while Cat had her legs across Ellie’s lap. When she was 19 and Dina asked her to go to the dance where they shared their first kiss.

“You’ve gotta be _fucking_ kidding me.”

Ellie cringes slightly, Dina’s words throwing her out of her daydream almost violently. She knew Dina would be upset about her returning, but she was really hoping she wouldn’t have to be here to see it. She can take down dozens of infected, but she’s definitely a self-proclaimed coward when it comes to this. “Listen, Dina-”

“No, _you_ listen to me.” She’s furious, but Ellie also catches the hurt in her eyes immediately. God, she fucking hates this. “You were really just going to show up here then slip out in a few days? Without even fucking telling me?! That’s fucking low, Ellie.”

Ellie’s sure the people who live nearby can hear Dina yelling at her, but she knows she won’t lower her voice, and Ellie sure doesn’t want to interrupt her.

“I _can’t believe_ you would do something like that! Really, I just…” Dina sighs, exasperated, pacing back and forth on the porch for a moment before coming to a stop in front of her again. “What the fuck did you think was going to happen? I would just be fucking unaware forever?”

Having been asked a question, Ellie finally raises her eyes to look at her. “Look, I… I thought it’d hurt you to see me. I didn’t mean to end up a fuckin’ burden staying in Joel’s house. This wasn’t a part of the plan.”

“ _Of course_ it was going to hurt, Ellie! No matter which way you went about it, it was going to hurt. But it hurts _more_ that you tried to lie and sneak around.” Dina pinches the bridge of her nose between her fingers and turns away. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

Ellie drops her head again. “Dina, I’m…” She didn’t want it to be like this. She didn’t really think she’d ever see Dina again, but if she did, she didn’t want it to be like _this_. She starts fiddling with her own hands. “Look, I’m gonna be out of here as soon as I get better. Then things can go back to normal. You can pretend you didn’t even see me.”

Dina starts shaking her head before Ellie has even finished speaking. “You’re gonna leave again and I’m supposed to just… wow.” She chuckles humorlessly. “I can’t believe you still don’t get it. All this time and everything we… _Wow_.”

“Don’t get what? You’re not fucking _saying_ anything.” Ellie doesn’t want to get upset, but Dina’s certainly not the only one hurting in this scenario. All of her instincts are telling her to just go to her, hold on to her, but they’re long past the days when she was allowed to do that. “How did you even find out I was here?” _Which asshole guarding the gate spilled the beans in the middle of the diner like an idiot?_

Dina reaches up, wiping away some stray tears. Ellie didn’t even realise she was crying. “Uh… Maria and Tommy, actually. Tommy was all excited about the fact that you ‘finally killed Abby’.” As the words leave her lips, her mouth contorts a little. Ellie hates it. “They were talking pretty loudly. So, congrats for that, I guess.”

Ellie’s eyebrows raise slightly in response. _Ah, fuck._ Tommy’s not only being a loudmouth already, but he’s spreading something that she _technically_ didn’t say. She’s made a mess of things with everyone, it seems. “Dina, that’s not-” She exhales, reaching out her left hand towards her. A long-lost habit that she can’t seem to shake. “Maybe we should-”

Dina takes a step back immediately. “Look, no, we’re not… we’re not doing this.” She sniffles, eyes watery as her eyes land on Ellie’s outstretched hand.

Ellie self-consciously pulls it back, hiding it behind her. Normally she doesn’t care who sees the missing fingers, but she can’t handle seeing any concern in Dina’s eyes. But it is what she sees. Something she saw a lot of during their time in Seattle and on the farm. She knows Dina doesn’t mean it in a negative way, but Ellie can’t help but feel her insides twist up anyway.

“Ellie.” It’s the softest Dina’s voice has been since she arrived. It only makes Ellie’s heart ache.

Ellie swallows. “It’s nothing.” She knows she’s making it worse by hiding what she really thinks and how she really feels. That’s something she tried so hard to overcome when she was with Dina. Seems that she slipped backwards somewhere along the way. She shifts uncomfortably on her feet. “Uh… how’s- how’s JJ?”

Dina scoffs with bewilderment, the gentle moment passing by as soon as it arrives. “I don’t know, Ellie. Maybe stick around for more than two seconds and you’ll earn the right to know.”

 _Well, fuck. Ouch._ “Okay… fine.” She knows she deserves it, but the longer she stands here talking to Dina, she feels the pressure on her heart get worse. She can’t keep doing this. She shouldn’t have come back here. She completely avoids looking Dina in the eye, instead choosing to look at the wooden floor of the porch. “Well, like I said, I won’t be here for much longer. It’s obviously what’s best for everyone, so.”

Ellie can see the moment Dina finally gives up. She’s not sure if she’d even been fighting for anything to begin with. “You know what, Ellie? Whatever you want.” She swallows hard, and only looks at Ellie for a brief moment before she turns around and storms off.

Ellie shuts the front door, banging her fist against it forcefully. She flexes her hand, feeling the side of her hand throb with pain as she keeps it against the door for a long moment.

She decides not to think about it. She _won’t_ think about it.

Instead, she collapses back down onto the couch face first, blacking out almost immediately.

\------

 _They only spend one more night in the theatre, making sure Tommy is stable, as well as doing_ something _with Jesse’s body. Ellie knows they can’t just leave him in this theatre, but it takes a lot of effort to move him without Tommy’s help. It’s a long night and mostly silent. Ellie manages to scavenge some medical supplies from nearby apartment buildings and tries her best to bandage everyone’s wounds. Tommy’s wounds are the worst, but Ellie’s sure he’ll stay alive just out of stubbornness alone._

_It’s Dina she worries about._

_Ellie can already see she’s going to have a scar on her forehead, likely for the rest of her life. Not to mention the very large wound from the arrow. They’re going to be constant, messy reminders of what happened here, and Ellie hates that for her. She doesn’t deserve to suffer for Ellie’s crusade._

_Eventually, Dina falls asleep with her head in Ellie’s lap._

_The next morning, it takes less time than she thinks to find a car and steal it. She parks it as close as she can to the theatre, but it still means quite the trek for Tommy, whose leg isn’t doing him any favours. Luckily, they only come across a couple of WLF patrols, but they’re easily distracted and the group is able to move through. It takes them much longer than Ellie would’ve liked, but they eventually make it back to the car she stole, which is still in one piece._

_Ellie and Dina help get Tommy into the back seat. The painkillers they’d given him knock him out almost immediately, which leaves the two of them up front. Ellie decides to drive to give Dina more of a chance to rest. All Ellie can see in her head now is Dina lying on the ground, covered in her own blood. It’s not much of an improvement of the image of Joel covered in his own blood while Abby stands over him with a golf club._

_As they drive, Dina turns over her shoulder to look back at Tommy before turning to look at Ellie. Ellie can feel her eyes on her before she even speaks._

_“Listen, there’s… something I want to talk to you about.”_

_A confused expression flickers across Ellie’s face for a moment. “Okay…”_

_Out of the corner of her eye, Ellie can see Dina fidget a little. “It’s about us.”_

_Ellie grits her teeth. If Dina breaks up with her while they’re stuck in a car together for hours on end… that’ll just be the icing on the cake. “Dina… I don’t think we should do this right now.”_

_Dina shakes her head. “No, I… it’s not what you think. It’s nothing_ bad, _necessarily. I just thought we should talk about it before we get back to Jackson.”_

_“Not bad… necessarily?”_

_Dina places her hand on her stomach. Something that she seems to do now whenever she’s feeling stressed or uncomfortable. Much like prayer, it appears to comfort her. “Listen… our relationship began the day that Joel died.”_

_Ellie’s jaw locks. She doesn’t like the sound of this at all, but she doesn’t interrupt Dina. She wouldn’t know what to do with herself if Dina wanted to quit on them now. She’d understand, after everything they’ve been through, but she’s not sure how she’d handle it._

_“We’ve been going a hundred miles an hour ever since we got together. We haven’t had a second to breathe. This isn’t the same as us being just friends. I guess I just… I want you to know that it’s okay if this isn’t a priority for you right now. You’ve been through a lot and I wouldn’t blame you if you just wanted-”_

_Ellie lets out a short breath. “Is this your way of breaking up with me? By trying to make it_ my _decision?”_

_To Ellie’s surprise, Dina chuckles and shakes her head. “We’re really gonna have to work on you constantly interrupting me.” She pauses. “No, I’m not breaking up with you, Ellie.”_

_Ellie suddenly feels insecure, wishing she could just hide elsewhere and not have this conversation._

_Dina turns her body towards Ellie, reaching over and placing a hand on her leg as she drives. “Ellie, I love you. If I didn’t want to be with you through all of this, I would’ve told you by now. You know that. I just want you to have a think about it, because trauma can change things for people. Trust me, I know. We shouldn’t be together for the wrong reasons.”_

_Ellie sighs. As usual, Dina’s only looking out for her wellbeing. She moves a hand from the wheel to meet Dina’s. “I don’t have to think about it. You don’t have to give me an out.”_

_“No?”_

_“No.” Ellie’s hand grips the steering wheel tightly. She wishes she wasn’t feeling so emotional right now. She feels exposed, and there’s nowhere to focus but on the road ahead of her. There’s nowhere to hide with Dina looking right at her. “The way I feel hasn’t changed. Not about you.”_

_“Okay.” Dina doesn’t argue with her. She doesn’t push the issue. She trusts Ellie’s word. One of the many reasons why Ellie loves her._

_Ellie sighs heavily. She wants to look at Dina, but she stays focused on the road. “I meant what I said yesterday. I don’t want to lose you.”_

_“You won’t,” Dina reassures her, giving her hand a squeeze. “You’ve got me.”_

_The breath Ellie lets out is shaky. She didn’t realise how much emotion and anxiety she’d been holding in this whole time. Hopefully the further they get from Seattle, the closer they can get to some form of healing._

\------

Ellie sleeps through the entire day.

When she wakes up, the sun is already setting and snow is falling outside. She finds a container of food on the kitchen bench, very likely left by Maria. The most important thing she notices is that she can actually _walk_ to the kitchen without falling over. 

Okay, that’s progress of some kind.

Maybe this is her chance. After her conversation with Dina, the last thing she wants to do is stick around for another day. She’ll get out of Jackson’s walls and then figure out where to go from there. She’ll go somewhere and stock up on medicine if she needs it.

She scribbles a quick note to Maria. If she’s being honest, Maria is the only one she really feels guilty about leaving without saying goodbye. When it comes to everyone else, well, what does it matter? Dina hates her, as expected. Tommy _would_ hate her if he knew the truth. And being here only makes her miss Joel and Jesse all over again. She feels like she’s sliding backwards. This isn’t home.

Stuffing the container of food in her bag, she gathers up the very few belongings she brought with her and pulls on her jacket. Stepping out into the snow, it’s _beyond_ freezing. She tries her best to push through it, knowing that she’s certainly been in worse conditions before.

The snow gradually gets heavier as she tries to move through town undetected. It’s slowing her pace, and frustrating her immensely. She knows she’s not going to be able to sneak out entirely with people guarding the gates. Instead, she wanders the perimeter, hoping to find some way to get over - or even through - the wall. There are streets and houses nearby, but Ellie doesn’t see anyone out and about. Only _she’s_ stupid enough to be out in the dark while it’s snowing.

Jackson is rather large. Ellie knows there has to be somewhere she can slip out unnoticed. Even if she has to hide in the shadows somewhere and wait for a change in perimeter guard. Which she does. After spotting one of the less-guarded sections of Jackson’s outer wall, she stands near a tree and waits.

Unfortunately, it takes far too long.

Eventually, her body betrays her and she starts to feel lightheaded all over again. She should’ve seen it coming, really. Sickness that she certainly hasn’t gotten over yet, combined with the cold and minimal eating, is always a recipe for disaster.

She’s smarter than this. She knows she is. But her desperation to get out of Jackson outweighs it. She knows that even Joel would be royally pissed off at her if he was here. She decides she doesn’t have time to wait. If she hurries, maybe she can camp in one of the buildings on the patrol routes.

As she’s approaching the wall, she doesn’t account for any ice that may be on the ground. She slips, falls and lands _hard_ on her right side. Her entire body aches, and wounds of hers that haven’t healed properly start to throb, making her feel nauseous. Due to her sickness, every part of her body is hypersensitive, and it tingles unpleasantly. As she tries to lift herself up, she realises that the little bit better she felt earlier has now slipped away. 

“Fucking _shit_.” She lifts herself into a sitting position in the snow, realising that her hands are shaking and she’s having trouble breathing. The worst part is she’s not sure if it’s symptoms of being sick, or if she’s having another full-blown panic attack. Or both.

And just the _thought_ of it being a panic attack causes her to panic more. Especially now that she’s almost out in the open. Her hands go from lightly shaking to almost vibrating, and she feels a cold sweat break out all over her body. She doesn’t know how much time passes as she sits there, her vision blurring around the edges and anxiety rising in her body.

Ellie looks up and realises that several people have spotted her in the snow and are approaching. Which only makes things worse. The thought of people seeing her like this and beginning to circle is not something she can handle. The anxiety in her rises so high that she eventually keels over and throws up on the ground next to her, hands fisting the snow either side. The people continue to move towards her, until one pushes through and stops them.

The voice is almost wobbly in Ellie’s ears. “Hey, get the fuck out of here! She doesn’t need an audience. How would you like it if it was you? Don’t be assholes.” As the people murmur amongst themselves before turning away, the voice whispers an _‘oh, shit’_ under their breath.

It’s just Ellie’s luck, really.

_Of course it’s Dina._

She’s the last person who would ever believe in fate, but this is a little ridiculous.

“Oh, fuck. Ellie?”

Ellie’s hearing begins to clear up, and any animosity in Dina’s voice from the night before is long gone. As Dina kneels down to her, the knot in Ellie’s stomach begins to uncoil, especially knowing that nobody is watching her anymore. Dina reaches out, placing a tentative hand on her arm.

“Just breathe, okay? Breathe. It’s just me here.”

Ellie nods, trying her best to breathe deeply. She’s not sure if it’s easier or harder because Dina is there. It’s almost amazing how she’s just _there_ and suddenly everything settles down around her. As if Dina actually has some magical control over her brain.

Dina stays there with her, watching her intently until her breathing is a little more even. Everything gets quieter and a little more still. “Are you okay? You’re safe. Your ass is probably just _really_ cold.”

Ellie’s laugh spills out unevenly, and it turns into a cough before she nods shakily. She’s fine. She has to be. She can’t afford not to be anymore. Under any circumstances.

“Let’s get you out of here before you freeze to death. C’mon.” Dina throws Ellie’s arm over her shoulders and lifts her up off the ground. Ellie’s legs tremble beneath her and she can barely walk in a straight line. Luckily, Ellie’s rather slim and Dina’s always been much stronger than she looks.

For the most part, she’s completely humiliated, but there’s a small part that feels relief. Just a small part.

She tries not to overthink it.

The trip back to the house gives Ellie a chance to settle herself down. Dina basically carries her the entire way there. She’s still shaking and wheezing, but her heart no longer feels like it’s going to explode in her chest.

Dina helps her inside, and before she can protest, she’s being taken up the stairs. She hasn’t even been upstairs since Maria brought her to the house, but sure enough, Dina takes her into Joel’s old bedroom. It’s rather bare, and the sheets are clean, but somehow, even with no trace of him, it twists Ellie’s stomach in knots.

“Sit,” Dina orders as Ellie drops down on the bed. Ellie notices that she rolls her shoulder a little before helping her with her backpack and jacket, but she doesn’t acknowledge it verbally. _Is she injured?_ “Listen, I’m not gonna give you a full-blown lecture right now for obvious reasons, but just know I think you make really stupid fucking decisions.” Dina doesn’t look at her as she says it, focusing on pulling off Ellie’s boots.

While her entire body is still aching and shaking, Ellie’s senses have somewhat returned to her. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to-”

Dina stops in her tracks, closes her eyes and exhales deeply. “Don’t say you’re sorry.”

It’s something Dina used to say to Ellie whenever she’d have a panic attack or wake up from a nightmare. Even now, it’s comforting.

Dina stops what she’s doing again and looks up at Ellie. “How do you feel?”

Ellie’s voice comes out hoarse. “Like shit.”

A short, humourless chuckle escapes Dina, as if she isn’t expecting honesty. “Yeah, no kidding.”

Once Ellie’s boots are off, Dina stands up again and wordlessly helps her get into bed. She wastes no time in placing a hand against Ellie’s forehead, and doesn’t seem to be surprised by the results. “You have a fever.” She pauses, scanning Ellie’s face. “Are you gonna be okay here while I go get some medicine for you?”

Ellie almost rolls her eyes. “You mean am I gonna try to run? Don’t think that’s really an option tonight.”

Dina scowls. “I mean, are you okay to be alone?”

Ellie puts the walls back up immediately. “Yeah. Fine.” As much as she appreciates Dina’s help, but can’t be like this in front of her. She has to be stronger than that. She can’t take the concern or the _pity_. Especially after their conversation the night before. Now, more than ever, it seems like Dina just feels sorry for her and that’s the only reason why she’s here.

There’s nothing Ellie hates more.

\------

Dina takes longer than Ellie thought she would, but she hasn’t moved a muscle since she left. Mostly because it’s _finally_ getting warm, and also because she thinks if she runs again, the next thing she’ll get from Dina won’t be so pleasant. She realises that it can’t be easy for Dina, constantly watching Ellie try to leave. The only reason why she’s leaving is because she doesn’t want to hurt her. It’s a vicious cycle that for some reason, she can’t break.

When Dina does return, Ellie is exhausted to the point of grogginess.

If she’s being honest, a part of Ellie is surprised she returned at all. She feels more like a burden than she’s ever felt before, and Dina has no obligation to be here with her.

Dina seems to notice her exhaustion, but doesn’t comment on it. “Okay, I’ve got something that should help with the fever. Should knock you out, too.”

Ellie yawns. “Well, that won’t take much.”

Dina reaches her hand towards Ellie’s in order to move it out of the way, but pauses midway. Ellie feels Dina’s fingers brush against the side of her hand, and it takes a moment for Ellie to realise that it’s her injured one. She wants to pull away instinctively, but at the same time, she doesn’t want to act that way when Dina just went out of her way to help her.

To Ellie’s surprise, it’s not the missing fingers that she comments on this time.

“Is this a bite?”

She’d almost forgotten about it. Being immune, she tries to think _less_ about her bites. Still, forgetting about it also means she forgets to cover it up, which could be dangerous while she’s hanging around Jackson.

“Uh…” Ellie takes a moment to decide whether she should lie, brush it off, or just tell the truth. “Yeah. Got it in California.”

“Right.” Despite how groggy she feels, Ellie does notice Dina’s shaky exhale. The whole immunity thing still appears to fuck with her brain. “Don’t forget it’s there. Someone might notice it.” She can see this is affecting her, and Ellie doesn’t know what to do to make it go away. That’s why she’d been trying desperately to leave before she could hurt Dina any more than she already has. How is it that her best intentions keep backfiring so hard?

The room is silent as Dina helps her with the medicine. Ellie hates it. She knows she doesn’t deserve the opportunity, but she wishes they could talk the way they used to. At least to stop this from being so fucking _tense_. 

Despite everything that’s happened to her in the past few days, this, more than anything, tells Ellie that she has to leave as soon as possible. Maybe she won’t be able to until she gets better, but she may have to spend her time avoiding Dina until then.

Once she’s done, Dina begins packing the medicine away and making sure everything’s as tidy as it can be.

“Hey. Dina.”

Dina turns to look at her. Ellie tries not to read too much into the look in her eyes. “Thanks for… y’know. Nobody else would’ve understood.” She doesn’t know what else to say. She’s still embarrassed by the whole thing. Dina has seen the deepest and darkest parts of her, so she knows exactly what something like this means without Ellie having to say it.

“Of course. I wouldn’t just leave you out there.”

Dina’s eyes linger for a little longer, before her gaze drops down to Ellie’s right hand. Her eyes narrow slightly and Ellie follows her gaze to where Dina’s hamsa bracelet sits on her wrist. Yet another thing she’s forgotten about.

Dina reaches up, rubbing her wrist where the bracelet used to sit on her own arm. Ellie tried to give it back to her after the events of Seattle, but Dina made her hold on to it. At the time, she thought that maybe it would help ward off some of the nightmares and bad thoughts that still plague Ellie today.

Dina’s voice breaks them out of the moment. “I should, um… I should get going. I have to pick up JJ from Jesse’s parents before they fall asleep, so…”

“Yeah, no, you should go.” Ellie swallows. Spending too much time with Dina like this is dangerous. It’s going to fuck her up even more than she already is. 

“Just… do me a favour and don’t walk out into the snowstorm, okay? Unfortunately, I can’t stand guard here all night and stop you from making bad choices.”

“Dina, you don’t… have to do anything like that.” _You don’t have to be here at all. You’ve done more than enough._ “Just… go home to JJ. I’ll be fine.” 

Dina only nods, because there’s nothing else either of them can do. They’re at a strange stalemate that Ellie didn’t think she’d ever have to navigate with Dina. Clearly, she didn’t think about just how complicated it would be to see Dina again after everything that’s happened between them. Complicated ex-girlfriend issues were the least of her concerns when she was trying to find Abby and deal with the aftermath of that encounter.

Dina breathes in deeply, pausing at the door before she leaves. “Try to get some rest.”

Ellie closes her eyes tightly and Dina’s only halfway down the stairs before a _‘fucking shit’_ escapes Ellie’s mouth. Not only is she going to get an earful from Maria tomorrow, but she’s definitely going to be able to leave Jackson any time soon.

If anyone truly is pulling the strings behind the scenes, they have a cruel sense of humour. 

Luckily, she doesn’t have to think about it for too long, because as Dina predicted, the medicine she’s given just about wipes her out before she can upset herself too much.

As she sleeps, she dreams of snowfall and Dina’s hands tracing hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'Ellie stupidly tries to leave' section had several revisions so there's a good chance it may not make sense and I apologise for that lmao.


	3. Three

Ellie doesn’t see Dina for another week. It takes a few days before she even leaves the house again. She decides to not disobey Maria’s instructions, for once, and is actually feeling her condition improve.

_ Who knew? _

When Ellie does feel better, she starts to go on walks around the neighbourhood. She tries to stick to the less-travelled paths, hoping she doesn’t run into anyone  _ too _ familiar. She’s not necessarily hoping to run into Dina, but she does wonder why she hasn’t seen her around.

Jackson is big, but not  _ that _ big. So, either Dina is very busy, or she’s avoiding Ellie. It’s a pretty even split on which one it could be.

On one particular day, the sky is clear and the air is pleasant, despite the snow on the ground. Ellie visits the stables, a pang of nostalgia hitting her when she spots Dina’s horse, Japan. She misses Shimmer. And Callus. In general, she tries her best not to dwell on all the death that constantly surrounds her, but she’s not surprised that it reaches as far as animals.

She decides against getting something to eat, knowing that there’ll be a thousand people at the diner and she doesn’t want to be dodging various social interactions right now. Instead, she heads back home, hoping to do the cleaning that she’s been neglecting since she arrived in Jackson. She doesn’t want to leave Joel’s old house a  _ total _ mess, just in case Maria wants to get someone else moved in.

As she approaches the house, she squints when she sees that someone is standing on the front porch, trying to look through the front windows. She sees short, dark hair and a collection of tattoos, which Ellie recognises instantly.

“Cat?”

Cat turns her head, giving Ellie a curious look as she takes in her appearance. “Ellie. Hey.” She moves away from the door, stepping down the porch stairs. “Sorry, I thought you were home.”

“That’s okay.” Honestly, she’s still a little surprised to see her. It’s not that things ended  _ poorly _ between the two of them, but it became so strange and awkward at the end that Ellie was sure they would just continue to avoid each other forever. Or at least, pretend they didn’t see one another when walking by. 

“It’s good to see you up and about.”

“Oh… yeah.” Ellie feels her cheeks flush red. She’s sure the entire town has heard about her little failed escape attempt by now. Just her fucking luck. “Feeling a lot better.”

Cat begins to play with her own hands. “I know it’s a little weird… me showing up here like this.”

Ellie offers a shrug. “A little.”

Cat gives her a warm smile. It’s a little guarded, Ellie can see it, but she’s sure she means well. “All I came to say is that… well, you’ve been through a lot. I get it. I’d like to think that I was always pretty good at listening when we were together, and maybe you might need someone to talk to, so… if you ever want to get a drink and just talk, I’d be happy to do that,” she explains, before seeing the somewhat panicked look on Ellie’s face and chuckling. “You can relax. I’m not interested in seducing you.”

Ellie’s not sure if she’s more confused or relieved. “Did… Maria send you?”

Cat laughs again. “Wow, you really have no faith in me, huh?” Crossing her arms over her chest, Ellie notices the few new tattoos peeking out from under her rolled sleeves. She’s always been very attractive to Ellie, and she still is. It’s almost too bad that she doesn’t see Cat in that way anymore. “I just thought with everything going on, you might need to vent a bit. Maybe blow off some steam. I know you and Dina haven’t really been talking, so...”

“Wait, you talk to Dina now?” Now, Ellie is completely lost.  _ Dina _ . The same girl who thought Cat wasn’t right for Ellie. The same girl that ‘didn’t have an opinion of her one way or the other’ and would refuse to hang out with them when they were dating.

Cat makes a vague gesture that appears to mean  _ ‘sort of’ _ . “When she moved back here with JJ, she came to me and asked for my help with something. We got to talking. I think she found it easier to talk to somebody who actually knew you a little bit.”

Ellie’s head drops and she kicks her feet in the snow. Now, she just feels humiliated. “Ah, fuck.” So they bonded about how terrible she is at relationships and how, at some point, they’ve both been hurt by her. Sounds about right.

“Look, I’m just saying… I’m not gonna ignore you like some asshole. If you can’t talk to Dina or anyone else around here, then I’m offering my services. And you know I’m not gonna judge you.”

Ellie’s not sure if Cat would even be able to  _ handle _ hearing about the shit she’s been through. She doesn’t know about her immunity, obviously, but Ellie knows she can skirt around that the way she has in the past. She can explain the Abby ordeal without it.

Ellie struggles with it internally for a brief moment. She didn’t think she’d see a day where  _ Cat _ was the one person in Jackson she could come talk to, but it’s not an entirely unwelcome thought. They’d been able to talk about a lot of things once upon a time. Maybe not as intimately as her and Dina, but Cat still knows her better than most people do. She’d been good to her, despite their relationship not going anywhere in the end.

“Actually… yeah.” Ellie nods, her eyebrows furrowing a little. It can’t hurt. “A drink sounds fuckin’ good right now.”

Cat cracks a smile, seeming pleased with the results. “Okay. Glad to hear it. Let’s go.”

\------

In her brief time back in Jackson, Ellie has also learned that taking long walks at night is what she looks forward to most.

There’s less people around and Jackson is always at its most beautiful when the warm outdoor lights are on and the snow is gently falling.

Ellie takes a shortcut between a few of the houses, pulling her hood up to keep anyone from recognising her, and she heads over to the kids’ playground. Hopping the fence, she heads over to one of the swingsets and sits on it. It’s light enough to see, but the lights aren’t too close, so she’ll be a little harder to spot where she is. She begins to idly swing back and forth, watching the snow fall gently around her.

She missed Jackson a lot. Especially the part where she can be outside in the weather and not worry about succumbing to the elements. Or being attacked by infected.

Ellie spends quite a while there, mindlessly swinging a little so that her feet leave the ground. The swing is definitely not made for someone of her size, but she makes it work. Some people pass by, but nobody pays too much attention to her. She’s spent a lot of time alone since she got here, but this is the first time it’s actually felt… okay. She doesn’t feel the need to pay attention to her surroundings and at one point she closes her eyes, feeling the cold air on her face.

“Well, well, well.”

At first, Ellie isn’t even sure it’s  _ her _ that’s being spoken to. When no other voice is heard in response, she opens her eyes and turns her head to find Dina standing there. Ellie almost curses the universe right there and then. It’s not that she doesn’t want Dina around, and she hasn’t actively been avoiding her, but she knows the more time they spend together, things will only get worse when it’s time for Ellie to move on. Still, it’s been several days since she’s seen her, and again, she looks as good as ever.

“This is an improvement to the last time I saw you.”

Ellie scoffs. “Yeah. You can say that again.”

“Are you feeling any better?”

Ellie shrugs a little. She is, but she’s not at one hundred percent just yet. “I don’t think I’ll be collapsing face-first into the snow any time soon.”

“Hmm.”

Dina doesn’t ask, nor does she hesitate as she hops the fence herself and moves towards the swing next to Ellie. She sits down on it, swinging a little herself as she pushes her legs back and forth. Ellie is a little taken aback by the motion. She wasn’t expecting this, but then again, she hasn’t been expecting much of what’s happened the past couple of weeks.

“So…” Dina looks at Ellie as she moves back and forth. “Interesting thing I noticed… you and Cat talking at the diner the other day.”

Ellie feels her stomach drop.  _ Oh, God. _ She certainly doesn’t want to go down this road with Dina. Especially when less-than-nothing is going on between her and Cat. “Oh, yeah. She, uh… she just offered to listen to me talk. She thought it might be easier because of… everything.”

Dina narrows her eyes for a moment, but not suspiciously. Actually, the look on her face is almost… amused. “That’s really nice of her. I’m glad you had someone to talk to.”

Ellie immediately feels the whiplash. Dina  _ sounds _ genuine, and there doesn’t seem to be any underlying tension. Not only that, but she doesn’t pry into what she and Cat spoke about. Okay. That wasn’t nearly as bad as Ellie thought it was going to be. She tries to change the subject before it delves any further into Cat territory. “What’re you doing out so late anyway? Do you still go out on patrol or something?”

Dina chuckles. “No. At least, not until JJ is older. I’m on farming rotation now, actually. It’s more early mornings than late nights for me.”

“Oh,  _ man _ .” Ellie can’t help but laugh in response. She remembers how much she  _ hated _ farming rotation. Still, there’s comfort in knowing that Dina isn’t going outside the walls and putting herself at risk. Especially when there’s JJ to think about. “I guess you’d be pretty damn good at that now.”

“Yeah, I definitely have my moments.” Dina pauses. “What’re  _ you _ doing out?”

“I just needed some air. Promise I’m not… running off before I’m better or anything like that.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I know you won’t be making that mistake again.” Dina gives her an almost-teasing smile.  _ What is she doing? _ “Glad to see you’re able to go out without an escort.”

It’s so strange. The two of them talking like this after their last encounters. Ellie thinks that Dina is clearly swallowing any sort of resentment she feels towards her. If Ellie’s being honest, this reminds her of the old Dina, before they first got together. Where she was playful and friendly and sometimes a little flirty, and Ellie had  _ no idea _ what her intentions were. “Well, that’s, uh… that’s thanks to you, so…”

Dina gives a half shrug as she continues to swing at the same slow pace. “Well, I wasn’t about to leave you sitting out there in the snow. I have no idea why all those people thought it was some free show and just kept staring at you instead of helping. Fuckin’ assholes.”

Ellie’s heart lurches so violently that she almost physically reacts. Hearing Dina defend her… she’s sure it’s just an old habit, but that doesn’t make it any less surprising for her to hear.

“Well… not everyone around here is, y’know, nice.”  _ Not everyone around here is like you. _ “Plus, I’m sure they have no idea how to deal with what happened to me.”

Dina ducks her head, as if she doesn’t know what to say to the thinly-veiled compliment, which Ellie knows is pretty unlike her. She’s definitely not bashful. Except for now.

In the brief silence that follows, Ellie’s fingers mindlessly play with the pendant around her neck. It’s something she’s gotten used to doing since leaving the farmhouse. Especially when she’s anxious or stressed. Sometimes she even talks out loud to Riley, imagining what she’d say in response. Imagining what she’d look like if she were here today. Ellie’s sure she’d be beautiful.

“What is that?” Dina’s curious voice breaks through her thoughts, and for a moment, Ellie had almost forgotten she was here with her. “A Firefly tag?”

“Oh.” Ellie stares down at the pendant. Of course she knows what a Firefly pendant looks like. She’s known several ex-Fireflies throughout her time in Jackson. “Yeah. It is. I’ve, uh…” She chuckles nervously. “I’ve always had it. I’ve just never… shown you before.”

Dina’s eyes are soft when Ellie turns to look at her. It’s a look she knows well. Warm and encouraging. “You don’t have to tell me anything, Ellie.”

A part of her  _ wants _ to, though. “Do you… want to hear about it?”

“If you want to tell me.” There’s no hesitation on Dina’s part.

“Nobody’s, uh… I’ve never told the full story before. Even Joel had only heard a part of it.” It’s silent between them, and all Ellie can hear is the soft creak of the swingset. She stares at her shoes.

“It’s okay, take your time.” There’s something about Dina’s tone of voice that always manages to calm Ellie but also makes her heart race a million miles an hour.  _ What is she doing here? _

“Uh…” Ellie already feels nervous and shaky, and this time it has nothing to do with her sickness. She pulls the pendant off from around her neck and reaches over to hand it to Dina.

Dina takes it from her, examining it closely. “Riley Abel.”

Ellie swallows. She hasn’t heard anyone say her name out loud since before she died, and it’s even weirder to hear it from Dina’s lips. It’s nice for her to be acknowledged as someone  _ real _ , instead of a person who exists solely in Ellie’s memory. “She was my best friend in the Boston QZ. We were close and… she ran off to join the Fireflies. One night she came to the military boarding school I was in to see me and we snuck off to the mall, which was completely off limits.”  _ For very good reason. _

Dina continues to watch Ellie, holding the pendant carefully in her hands.

Ellie takes a deep breath, already feeling the familiar emotions swirl up inside of her. She keeps most things locked up tightly, but this particular thing is behind every single wall she has. “She was doing all these nice things for me and then I learned it was because she was shipping out of Boston. The Fireflies were taking her somewhere else, and… I told her to stay. To quit the Fireflies and run away with me instead.”

Swallowing hard again, Ellie realises just how much it parallels her own situation with Dina. It makes her uncomfortable. She didn’t stay when Dina asked her to, yet Riley stayed when she asked her. Man, she fucking hates herself for that.

“We thought we were safe and we were having a good time, and… that’s when the infected came. We were both bitten and… I had to watch her turn. All while absolutely fucking nothing happened to me.”

“Oh, fuck, Ellie.” Dina breathes in. “I’m so sorry.”

“She’s… she’s the main reason I wanted my immunity to mean something. Then Joel killed the Fireflies in Salt Lake City to protect me and… well, you know the rest.” Ellie can barely look at DIna, hands gripping the handles of the swing so tight that they’re beginning to hurt.

“You loved her,” Dina states it so smoothly and calmly, as if it’s not a big deal at all. As if it wasn’t the catalyst to everything bad that has ever happened to Ellie. “I can see it.”

Ellie’s head drops so that she’s looking directly down and lets out a shaky breath. She doesn’t know why it’s so difficult for her to talk about it. Especially with Dina, probably the only person who would understand. “Uh… I did, yeah. It was the first time I had feelings for, well, anyone.”

“Well… I think if you loved her then she must’ve been pretty incredible.”

Ellie feels a sudden but immense amount of love and appreciation for Dina. Something that hits her like a tidal wave. Something that she’s kept bottled up since she left the farmhouse. Something she told herself she wouldn’t let herself feel again. Even just looking at her, a serene look on her face as the snow falls gently down onto her hair and shoulders. Ellie wants to kiss her.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck. _

“Dina…”

Dina reaches out towards Ellie with the pendant in her hand. “I’m glad you shared that with me.”

Ellie takes the pendant, her hands as shaky as they usually are now. “Yeah?”

Dina appears to notice. “Yeah.”

Ellie hangs it around her neck again. “I’m sorry I never told you before. I know it’s something that, y’know, people in relationships share with each other.”

“Ellie… if my first love had died right in front of me and I had lived, I would probably have a hard time telling future partners too.” Dina gives her a sympathetic look. “It’s personal. It’s hard.”

Ellie can’t help but chuckle, shaking her head as she looks down at her shoes again. “How the fuck is it that you always know what to say?” 

“Well, I  _ am _ pretty great.”

It’s just Dina being Dina, but she’s not wrong. Ellie can only smile.

“No scoff? No witty remark? Damn, Ellie, what happened to you?” 

When Ellie turns to look at her, Dina’s got this goofy smile on her face, and her heart has never leapt so high in her life. It’s on the tip of her tongue - how much she missed her and how she thought of her every day on the way to Santa Barbara and back. How things aren’t entirely what they seem and she no longer wants revenge. How she wants to heal but she doesn’t know how, and she knows she doesn’t deserve Dina but she wants her so badly. But she doesn’t say any of it. There’s still so much she feels like she shouldn’t ever receive, and she’s done nothing to earn Dina’s trust or forgiveness.

Ellie swallows. She says nothing..

Dina lets the moment go and drops her head, along with the almost-flirty demeanour she previously sported. “Look, uh… I feel bad about what I said to you the other night. When you asked about JJ. He’s doing really well. I don’t want my emotions to make you think something’s wrong or something happened to him. He’s just fine.”

Ellie feels her heart lurch in her chest once again. The last happy memory she has is of her, Dina and JJ dancing around the kitchen at the farmhouse. It’s one of the few things she hasn’t been able to let go of these past few months.

“Look, I don’t know what your plans are… when you want to leave…” Dina continues looking down. Ellie can see her nostrils flare as she breathes in. “But if you want to see him before you go, I’m not gonna stop you. Saying goodbye properly might be good for both of you. You were good with him, and I’d like for him to remember you.”

Ellie lets out a heavy breath into the cold air, filled with emotion. “Ah, fuck.” She mostly says it to herself, but she knows Dina can hear her. She can feel tears prick her eyes, but she doesn’t stop them. There’s something about JJ potentially not remembering her that destroys her. As much as Dina deserves it, the idea of her moving on and being happy without her kills Ellie. But she knows it’s what has to be done. At this point, she’s sure that it’s the only way any of them are ever going to get over what happened.

“You don’t have to decide right now, and I won’t blame you if you don’t want to. I just… thought I’d give you the opportunity, y’know?”

“No, I…” Ellie shakes her head. She’s not going to let this opportunity pass. “I would really like that.”

Dina players with her fingers, clearly nervous. “Okay… well JJ will be at Jesse’s parents for the next couple of nights so I can get up early for work, but… the night after that, we’ll be at home.” She thinks for a moment before chuckling awkwardly. “Fuck, I guess you don’t even know where I live now.”

“Actually… Maria told me when I first got here.” Maria had said  _ ‘just in case you need to talk to her’ _ , as if that wasn’t the world’s biggest hint that Ellie should go knock on her front door and beg for forgiveness.

“Okay.” Dina nods, but doesn’t seem angry about it. Instead, she rises from the swingset, and Ellie hates the idea that their conversation is already ending. “Well, I should get going. Early morning tomorrow and all of that.”

With Dina leaving, Ellie suddenly feels so exposed in regards to the mountain of information and thoughts that she just shared with her. She hasn’t been this open with anyone since, well… since the last time she and Dina were happy together.

“Goodnight, Ellie.”

“Night, Dina.”

Dina stands there for a moment as if she doesn’t want to leave, before turning and walking back the way she came as the snow falls lightly around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re here for exes being used as something other than a drama-inducing plot device! Also, this chapter was originally longer but I split it in two. I’m trying to stick to around 4k word chapters so it doesn’t take me a year to update this thing.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos so far!


	4. Four

Ellie’s palms are sweaty when she arrives on Dina’s front porch.

The house is small, but it’s nice. It definitely doesn’t have the same charm as the farmhouse, but Ellie doubts anything ever will. She definitely understands why Dina wanted to live alone after everything that happened. How humiliated she must’ve felt returning back to Jackson with only JJ. And that’s not even the worst of the emotions she would’ve felt.

The thought only makes Ellie shakier as she steps forward towards the front door.

She’s not sure how she’s going to feel seeing JJ again. There’s something about seeing Dina and JJ existing in a home environment that scares Ellie. It makes her uncomfortable. Then again, she knows she deserves to feel that way after everything she put them through. She can only hope that they’re happy. That _he’s_ happy and thriving. That her leaving didn’t leave too much of an impact on him. 

After she knocks on the front door, she wipes her hands on her jeans. After that, she isn’t sure where to put her hands at all. 

It takes a moment for Dina to open the door, and Ellie can hear some sort of scuffling on the other side. When Dina opens the door, however, Ellie’s not expecting JJ to be _right there_ in her arms.

The shock of it all causes her to take a step back, and she swears she sees a hint of amusement on Dina’s face.

The look is still there when Dina addresses her. “Ellie.” 

“Uh, hi.” She only glances at Dina for a moment before her eyes land back on JJ again. He’s _big_ , and suddenly, Ellie isn’t sure what to do. She used to be so good with him - at least, she _thought_ she was - and now she’s worried that one wrong move will mess everything up.

Dina looks towards JJ, who is staring at Ellie curiously, as if he _might_ know who she is, but isn’t entirely sure. “Who’s this, bud?”

As if on cue, JJ reaches out towards Ellie with one hand and begins to babble incoherently. Ellie reaches up and takes hold of his hand, her heart completely melting as a laugh erupts from him. She takes a deep breath, but she can already feel tears pricking at her eyes. “Hey, little buddy. I missed you.” 

Still holding on to his hand, Ellie swallows. She doesn’t want to show this much emotion in front of Dina. It’ll make things too hard in the long run.

Ellie turns towards Dina. “Is… is he talking yet?”

“Some words. He can take a few steps by himself, too.” Dina offers her a smile. “His first word was ‘mama’. Naturally.”

Ellie chuckles. “I wouldn’t expect anything else.” 

“He’s definitely tired, though.” Dina looks at his face. “It’s been a long day for him. I should be putting him down soon.”

“No, of course.” Ellie nods, attempting to swallow the rest of her emotions down. Now that she looks at him, she can see what Dina means. His eyelids are drooping and his grip on her hand begins to slip. “You should definitely get him down. I know how grumpy he can get.”

“Oh, trust me, grumpy toddler mode is _so much_ worse.” 

Ellie smiles again. It’s far too nice to be talking to Dina about something so normal. Something they would’ve discussed on a daily basis back at the farmhouse. A small part of her feels the need to bring it back down to Earth. To sabotage it somehow so that Dina would remember that she’s _supposed_ to be mad at her-

“Hey. Come on in.”

Ellie blinks and realises that she’s zoned out and Dina has opened the front door wider for her to come inside. She follows her in as JJ’s sleepy head peeks up from over Dina’s shoulder, still looking at Ellie.

“I tried to clean up a little, but there’s only so much I can do with a toddler trying to get into everything all the time.”

Ellie frowns. “I’m surprised you’re doing this all on your own. I’m sure anyone here would be happy to help you with JJ if you asked.” She almost regrets bringing it up as soon as she does. Dina wouldn’t _need_ help if Ellie hadn’t left.

Luckily for Ellie, Dina doesn’t swerve in that direction. “I don’t know. I kind of just want it to be me and him, you know? I want to be able to raise him without relying on half the town.”

Ellie ignores the heat that’s creeping up her neck from complete and utter embarrassment. “No. Yeah. I get it.” She has a feeling that Dina didn’t mean for that to be a jab at her, but Ellie can’t help but think it anyway. Even though she’s been beating herself up about it for months, it’s not made any easier when someone else may be inferring it.

“Could you watch him for a sec while I get ready to put him to bed?”

Ellie’s taken aback by the request, but she doesn’t hesitate. “Yeah, of course.” 

She expects JJ to start crying or make a fuss as soon as Dina hands him over, but he’s more curious than anything else. The first thing Ellie notices is the _weight_ as she moves over towards the couch and sits down with him.

“Jeez, bud. You’ve put on a few.”

Dina laughs lightly from across the room and Ellie feels a blush creeping up her neck. It feels far too domestic and _familiar_ like this. She knows she shouldn’t be here, but she _is._

JJ begins to babble a half-conversation with her, using a few words that, to Ellie’s surprise, are actual, _real_ ones. Despite Dina already mentioning it, it still blows Ellie away to hear it. He spends a lot of the time whining and fussing and wriggling, trying to get off the couch in any manner possible, which makes it obvious why Dina needs him watched. It dawns on Ellie that it must be so much harder to look after him now that he’s moving around so much.

She feels guilty.

It’s not long before Dina comes back down to retrieve JJ and take him to bed. JJ mumbles something that _almost_ sounds like ‘night’ and gives Ellie a sleepy wave before resting his head on his mother’s shoulder.

“You didn’t make him cry, that’s a good sign.”

Ellie knows Dina’s joking, but she feels pretty proud of herself for that one.

\------

When Dina returns from putting JJ to bed, she stands next to the couch and stops, watching Ellie.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” Ellie takes a deep breath and shakes her head. She’d been lost in her own little world again. “Seeing him older just… reminded me of some Seattle stuff. We don’t have to talk about it.”

Dina frowns slightly, dropping down on the couch beside her. “We used to be able to talk about Seattle. Now shouldn’t be any different.”

Except it _is_ different. Everything’s different. Even though Ellie plans to leave, even though she’s shut the door on the possibility of having a happy ending, she doesn’t want to step a foot out of line with Dina. The fact that Dina is even speaking to her and letting her _in her home_ already feels like too much for Ellie. She’s being kind and considerate and _Dina_.

“I shouldn’t…”

“Ellie, I’m not fragile.” Dina takes a deep breath in. “I’m trying here. I really am.”

Ellie looks down and nods. “I know. I just… I wish you wouldn’t.”

Ellie expects Dina to get mad at her for saying it, but instead she hears a light, almost humourless chuckle from beside her. “That’s not your decision to make. You don’t get to decide how I work through this.”

It’s stern. The kind of almost-lecture that Ellie has heard in the past from Dina. She knows just about every single tone of voice Dina has, and the things she says the most. But, despite it being stern, it’s also understanding. It’s gentle. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Good.” Dina nods. “Now tell me about the Seattle thing.” 

Despite knowing Dina so well, she’s also prone to giving Ellie whiplash every once in a while. While Ellie is sure she’s not forgiven for everything that she’s put Dina and JJ through, she thinks that the amount of resilience Dina is displaying is pretty fucking amazing. She knew Dina was strong, but she’s definitely only gotten stronger as time has passed.

“I was just… I was thinking about Lev. That kid who was with Abby at the theatre. Sometimes I see little kids and I think of him.” Ellie’s not sure why she thinks of Lev so often. Maybe she’s still attempting to understand the relationship between him and Abby. Maybe she’s struggling to understand how someone like Abby could be kind and compassionate. Maybe she’s seeing the parallels between Abby and Lev and Joel and herself. “He was still with Abby. Even in California.”

Ellie can see Dina tense up beside her. “And… where is he now?”

“I don’t know. Still with Abby, I guess.” Ellie shrugs. She wonders if they made it somewhere nice. Somewhere safe. She wonders if Abby is having as much of a hard time as she is. She doesn’t know why she still thinks about Abby. Or Lev.

Dina frowns in confusion. “But… you killed Abby.”

Oh. Yeah. Ellie forgot about that little tidbit. _Fuck._ She looks directly ahead of her and plays with her fingers in her lap. “Uh… well, technically, I never said that.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Ellie?” 

Now she’s scared. _Oh, man._ Not correcting her sort-of-lie with Dina after she overheard Tommy was probably a huge mistake in hindsight. That makes the whole trust thing a lot harder.

“I didn’t kill Abby. She’s… I couldn’t fucking do it. She’s still out there somewhere.”

It’s the silence that leaves Ellie on edge. Dina is dead silent for a good minute, and a large part of Ellie wants to just get up and leave. She’s not sure whether she’s going to get anger or sadness or relief or _what_ . The only reason she left Dina and JJ to begin with was to go after Abby to finish it. To hear that she didn’t actually finish it, that she really left for _nothing_ , can’t be easy for Dina.

Ellie tells herself that Dina’s reaction is another thing that she’s brought on herself, so she steels herself for impact.

“What the _fuck,_ Ellie?” 

Ellie screws her eyes shut, and when she opens them again, she sees tears in Dina’s eyes. But it’s not anger or sadness that Ellie sees in them. No, it’s… concern. Almost.

The words fly out of her mouth before she can stop them. “I’m sorry, Dina. I’m sorry. I never should’ve let you believe what Tommy said. He just… he believed what he wanted and I never corrected him. And _fuck,_ that’s another thing I feel guilty about. I just, I didn’t know-”

The words stop in her throat as she feels Dina’s hand on hers, squeezing it. Much like everything else Ellie has experienced since returning to Jackson, this isn’t the reaction she was expecting from Dina.

“Dina?”

“All this time I thought… Fuck.” There are tears silently falling down Dina’s cheeks and it takes all of Ellie’s willpower to not wipe them away. “This whole time I’ve been looking at you and trying to figure out who the fuck you are now. Who you are after finally hunting down and killing Abby. After killing all of those people to find her. The thing you left your _family_ to go do.”

Ellie’s hands shake under Dina’s touch. She feels panicked. She wants to run.

“But instead, you walked away. Shit, Ellie.”

“I know. I know it’s really bad.”

Dina reaches over with her other hand and places it on top of both of theirs. “Just… stop. You’re not listening to me. This is a _good_ thing. This is… this is what I _wanted_ you to see and understand. I once told you that if I had my sister’s killers in front of me, I would do terrible things to them. Being in Seattle changed my mind. You sparing Abby proves that you get it now. You understand.”

Ellie frowns, very focused on their hands. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Dina breathes out. “I just… I think you made the right choice. I think maybe… maybe you can heal from here. Isn’t that what you want?”

If Ellie’s being honest, she has no idea what she wants and she hasn’t since Abby drove away in that boat. She hasn’t had any goals or ambitions. She certainly never meant to make it back to Jackson. At least, not in the near future. She hasn’t thought about what a future for herself could look like. What it _should_ look like after everything she’s done. A couple of months ago, she wouldn’t have expected to end up on Dina’s couch in her new home.

“I don’t… know.”

Dina takes a moment to answer and nods. “That’s fair, too.” She removes her hands from Ellie’s in a smooth motion, as if she was never there to begin with.

Ellie leans forward, resting her forehead on her palms. “Nothing is turning out the way I thought it would.” Her head is spinning and a part of her feels like throwing up. “Everything’s so fucked up.”

Dina frowns, clearly noticing the signs of Ellie’s distress. “I didn’t mean to make anything worse for you.” If anyone’s able to understand, it’s Dina. “Maybe you should get some rest. We don’t have to go into… all of this.”

Ellie bites her lip to stop herself from speaking. She barely got any time with JJ, but she doesn’t want to be greedy and ask for more. The fact that Dina even let her do this to begin with is a miracle. The entire situation is still fragile, so she chooses not to say anything.

“You’re right. I should get going.” Ellie sniffs a little before standing up off the couch.

Dina almost seems hesitant to let her go, but gets up alongside her and walks her to the door. She trails behind, playing with her hands in front of her. 

Ellie doesn’t turn around as she opens the front door, but when she’s halfway out, she feels a hand slip into hers. She freezes in place, feeling her heart do somersaults all over again. She turns slowly to Dina standing before her, averting her gaze, which is unlike Dina at the best of times.

Ellie doesn’t dare to speak first, but keeps her gaze locked on Dina, unable to breathe.

“Don’t…” Dina takes a deep breath in, as if she’s trying to stop whatever she’s about to say from bursting forth like a dam. “Don’t go.”

Ellie’s eyebrows furrow together. It’s not at all what she was expecting. “What?”

Dina finally looks at her, and Ellie immediately gets lost in the warmth of her eyes. Eyes that are now guarded and carrying much more emotion than before. “Don’t leave Jackson. Not yet.”

Ellie has no idea what it means or why she’d be saying it now. Nothing about tonight has made sense to her. She almost wants to go back to when Dina was pounding on her front door ready to yell at her, because at least Ellie understood what was happening.

She realises she hasn’t replied when Dina speaks again in a much softer voice. “Stay.”

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ The next breath Ellie takes in is shaky. She’s reliving their last moments at the farmhouse all over again. The pain in Dina’s eyes. The desperation in her voice. How Ellie turned around, left and didn’t look back. There are so many reasons why she should say no and leave Jackson as soon as possible, but disappointing Dina all over again is the one thing she can’t do.

Dina takes a step forward. “Where else do you have to go?”

The confusion and distress is clear on Ellie’s face as she drops her head. She’s sure Dina has caught on to the shakiness of her breath by now. “Okay.” She’s not sure if she’ll regret the choice, but the least she can do right now is honour Dina’s wishes. For whatever reason they may be.

Ellie can see that Dina is on the verge of physically reacting, but she reins it in completely. “Okay.” She lets go of Ellie’s hand and clears her throat.

The atmosphere immediately becomes awkward. As if they’re waiting for something that isn’t coming. As if the promise Ellie made goes much deeper than simply agreeing to stay in town. As if there’s far too much unspoken, and any more time spent together will only make that come out.

“Okay,” Ellie says again, rubbing the back of her neck with her hand. “I’m gonna… go home.”

“Yeah. Good. Go get some sleep.” Dina looks at her for a moment. “Thank you, Ellie.”

Ellie nods. Her head still feels like it's spinning. “Yeah. Goodnight, Dina.”

“‘Night.”

\------

_Ellie’s face brightens as she enters the room, seeing Dina sitting up in bed, leaning against a few pillows. Her hair is a mess and there are heavy bags under her eyes, but Ellie has well and truly never seen anyone more beautiful in her life._

_“Hey, mama. You should be resting.”_

_“‘Mama’, huh? You’re cute.”_

_Ellie moves over to the bed and sits on the edge of it. Smiling warmly at Dina, she glances over at a sleeping and tightly-wrapped JJ near her._

_“Thanks for staying with me. I know it probably wasn’t easy.”_

_Ellie turns back to look at Dina. “Are you fucking kidding me? There’s no way I was leaving you to_ give birth _on your own.”_

_Dina smiles, reaching forward to take Ellie’s hand. She still looks completely exhausted, but happy. Happy in a way Ellie hasn’t seen in a long while. It makes everything feel worth it. “Still. I know it freaks people out. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you wanted to wait outside.”_

_Ellie leans in closer to her. “You’re gonna have to do more than that to get rid of me.”_

_Dina’s smile turns playful. “I’ll keep that in mind.”_

_Ellie leans forward to kiss her and Dina reciprocates with more enthusiasm than Ellie thought. Dina’s hand holds Ellie’s neck in place, keeping her as close as possible. When Ellie pulls away, she shakes her head. “Okay, so you do have a bit of energy there.”_

_“Oh, no, trust me, I’m exhausted.” Dina sighs as she settles back against the pillows. “My mind’s racing. It’s making it hard to stay asleep.”_

_“I bet.” Ellie looks over at JJ sleeping soundly. “You were a fucking badass though. You’re easily the strongest person I know.”_

_Dina looks at her with amusement in her eyes. “I know. And thank you.”_

_Ellie smiles back, and follows Dina’s eyes as she looks over towards JJ. “If you’re worried about him, I can sit in here with you. Watch out for him. At least until it’s time for him to eat again.”_

_Dina turns back to Ellie, reaching for her hand and pulling it into her lap. “That would be nice.”_

_Ellie fiddles with Dina’s hand silently for a moment. “So… you’re a mom.”_

_“Well…” Dina looks away at nothing in particular before her gaze returns to Ellie. “_ We’re _moms.”_

_They’d talked about this already, but it’s still weird to wrap her head around it. Despite Dina forgiving her for everything that happened in Seattle, Ellie still feels like she’s the reason why JJ no longer has a father. But of course, Dina didn’t want her to help raise JJ out of obligation or guilt, and she was right. They had to do it out of love or not at all._

_And that’s what they decided on._

_“If you still want me to be a mom.”_

_“I want you to be whatever you want.” Dina smiles gently. “You’ll be a great mom. I know it.”_

_There’s something about the way Dina speaks to her. Lifts her up. Sticks up for her. She’s never had anybody who’s been like that with her before. She never thought she_ needed _that until now._

_“Well, I’ll be learning from the natural.”_

_Dina rolls her eyes playfully, lightly shoving Ellie. It feels like literally nothing with Dina’s exhaustion, and to Ellie, it’s adorable._

_“You should get some sleep, babe.” Ellie reaches up, tucking some of Dina’s messy hair behind her ear. She doesn’t know how she got so lucky. Especially in this world, where everything seems so fucking terrible all the time. She has this light in Dina that she knows she can’t give up for anything, even if she also knows she’s done nothing to deserve it._

_“You’re right, I should.” Dina punctuates the statement with a yawn, before looking over at JJ. “We’re not gonna be getting much sleep soon, so… gotta get it while we can.”_

_Ellie’s not looking forward to it, but… she kind of is at the same time. Weird._

_Ellie lets Dina lie back down and she settles in beside her as best she can. She tries to stay awake for as long as she can, but the combination of Dina’s breathing beside her and the fact that she’s been up for an obscene amount of hours causes her eyes to droop._

_Eventually, she falls asleep with her head resting against Dina’s, only to be awakened again a little while later when JJ’s still-unfamiliar cries fill the room._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had been almost-finished for weeks, but I ended up super lazy. But hey, here we are.


End file.
